Overcoming pregnancy test disappointment

We are two to three generations on from the point at which the contraception pill first enabled women to feel more in control of their fertility, and with scientific advances in the wider field of reproductive medicine, it’s easy for us to think that having a baby will be something we can timetable into our biological diaries just when we want. Unfortunately, however, the question of ‘How long will it take to get pregnant?’ does not produce a simple answer.

Dealing with TTC disappointment

Be realistic

Most couples with no obvious related medical problems, who are having regular intercourse, will take at least six months to get pregnant (60%) with about 90% getting pregnant within 18 months. Yes, about a quarter might get pregnant in the first month of trying, but if you have been trying for just a couple of months, don’t be hard on yourselves, you have nothing to worry about. (If you are over 30 years old and have been trying for 12 months, then you might want to have a chat with your GP just to make sure you’re on track.)

Talk to each other

Whilst you don’t need to obsess about why another month has gone by without a positive pregnancy test result, it’s good to acknowledge your disappointment with your partner rather than keeping it bottled up inside you. Share your feelings but then move on to talk positively about other good things in your lives, planning to continue to eat well, look after yourselves and have regular intercourse through the month ahead.

Talk to other women like you

It’s not always easy to share your TTC (trying to conceive) worries with immediate friends and family because you don’t want to be badgered by expectant questions as each month comes and goes. But do try to find someone – maybe someone you’re friendly with at work, who you see often but who you aren’t so close to – who doesn’t mind you letting off a little frustration steam from time to time. If you know someone who is also trying for a baby then all the better; your conversations won’t be about competing with each other, you’ll find it a really invaluable support to know you’re not the only one going through the experience.

Find other positive projects

Try to find something else that’s achievable but invigorating to aim for – it could be anything, like a mission to makeover your lounge, or to reach a new goal in your career – and you’ll find this boosts your confidence whilst also taking your mind of TTC.

Go with your instincts

Trying for a baby can become a bit of a major obsession for many women who like to monitor their ovulation pattern each month. Understanding your best-odds window for conception can be important, especially for couples who perhaps for work or other reasons can’t be together throughout the month. However,  if this is not the case for you and your partner, give yourself a rest from being too ‘accurate’ for a couple of months, set aside your diary and thermometer and go back to instinctive regular, fun intercourse. You can go back to charting later if you need to, but this break will help you both re-engaged with the intimacy of love making rather than the functionality of conception.

Avoid making plans

Many of us get a thrilling second-sense that we’re pregnant when we are trying for a baby, though often it’s imagined. However, even if you really feel that this is your month, it’s important to avoid living your life before it’s happened; don’t start looking at baby clothes or choosing names just yet, no matter how tempting and fun that can be.

Don’t get test-obsessed

Pregnancy test kits are expensive! The later your leave doing a pregnancy test, the more clear and reliable the results will be, so doing a test just once a month when your regular period would usually be due is quite enough. Plus this way you don’t put yourself through the testing rollercoaster of emotions too often.

Stick together

Your partner’s health and well-being in this TTC period is just as important as yours, however if work or necessary social engagements have left one of your too busy or tired to try at the right time, don’t go down the blame game path. Look ahead to next month instead. And if you feel your other half is finding excuses, trying to avoid ‘making babies’, talk about the bigger picture of having a baby together to bring you both back on track as a united team. Remember fear of failure can be a powerful turn-off, especially for men, so be honest and supportive of each other and talk through your next plan of action. If for example, one of you feels you need to be fitter or to lose weight, make it a positive team effort and get fit together.

Be happy for others

Having a baby is such an exciting experience that even friends who know you are trying will probably find it hard to hide their own baby joy if they are expecting. However you’d be a strange person if you didn’t feel at least a bit frustrated and sad for yourself if you are still not pregnant. Don’t deny your feelings to yourself, but also bear in mind how happy you will be when it really is your turn to have a baby. If there are times when you don’t want to be around your friend and her new bump or baby, then that is totally understandable, but do try to be discreet about it – for her sake but also yours long-term.